The Ed

He’s not Ed. He’s not an Ed. He’s The Ed.

Ed Miller.

Capital E, itty bitty d. Capital M i-l-l-e-r.

The Ed is 55 years old. Last year he was 54. Next year he’ll be 56. He lives in Las Vegas with one of his five sons, all of whom were born to different women, and spends his days betting on sporting events and driving to local Wal-Marts searching for McFarlane football men.

The Ed’s gambling winnings are his lone source of income, except for two government checks he gets each month. His last regular job was in telemarketing. He sold potato-flavored water over the phone. But don’t get the idea The Ed is some sort of shiftless mooch. He pays half the household bills, with The Ed’s half amounting to about 10 percent.

Thankfully, The Ed has devised an ingenious betting system combining complicated statistical formulas with his trusty magic dice. The Ed shakes the dice, rolls them out into a big bowl, and somehow manages to simulate sporting events with shocking accuracy.

The Ed first gained national prominence as a caller to The Adam Carolla Show, phoning in to discuss the proper way to prepare eggs. He became a regular and won legions of fans for his reviews of TV shows and his own unique life story.

When his son got transferred to Pittsburgh, The Ed moved with him to the banks of the Three Rivers and became a regular caller to Dave Dameshek’s Sports Contraption. The Ed called Dave several times a week. He auditioned to become the show’s Pittsburgh Steelers expert, referring to Ben Roethlisberger as "Benlisberger" and insisting the team should have drafted Brady Quinn.

Despite constantly berating the beloved Black and Gold, The Ed won over Pittsburghers with his memorable tales, like the time he was sitting at a bus stop and got hit by a taco. His uncanny celebrity impressions claimed first place in a listener talent show, yet Dave still refuses to give The Ed a prize, even though The Ed clearly won a bowling ball, a baseball mitt, and, by some estimates, as much as $1500.

The true highlight of The Ed’s time on the Sports Contraption came when one of his neighbors asked him to watch her baby. Incredibly, the woman never returned, and The Ed took care of the baby like she was his own child, feeding her Doritos, Twizzlers, and Mountain Dew. The Ed called Dave with updates on the baby for two weeks before a scandal ensued and local authorities stepped in to take custody of the child. Or did they?

The Ed recently revealed he never gave up the baby. The little girl lives with The Ed and his son in Vegas and is fond of drinking Red Bulls and Five-Hour Energy Drink. The Ed has even made the adoption process official, purchasing a birth certificate from a Mexican guy.

The Ed also shares his home with his best friend Franklin, a loyal pal who loves the Colorado Avalanche and Steel Reserve beer. Franklin used to drive The Ed everywhere before The Ed got his brand new 1993 Nissan Altima. Some of The Ed’s other friends include Honky White Sucker, who makes his own teeth, and Willie Lunchmeat.

The Ed hails from Indiana and is a big fan of Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. His top college team is Texas Tech. But The Ed’s favorite sport is boxing, and he’s quite skilled with his fists, learning the finer points of pugilism from his many chums in professional boxing.

A natural athlete, The Ed attended Indiana University for one year, but a knee injury ruined what would have surely been a promising college football career before he could even take the field. He’s displayed remarkable talent on the basketball court, at one point making more than 2000 consecutive free throws. The Ed would probably dominate on the ice as well, but he doesn’t think hockey is a sport. It’s just soccer on roller skates.

The Ed and Franklin used to participate in a dodgeball league until The Ed took a nasty spill and had to undergo back surgery. He still struggles with chronic pain in his neck and chest, although the medication he’s on has helped with his digestive problems, which used to see him have eight or nine bowel movements a day. His frequent bathroom visits allow The Ed to give detailed reviews of all the public restrooms in the greater Las Vegas area, rating them on a scale of one to five rolls.

It should come as no surprise The Ed is a true ladies’ man. He has more than 300 conquests to his name and continually runs around with lovely young females, believing once a woman turns 40, it’s time to trade her in for two 20s. Of course, love is seldom easy, and women have punched The Ed on three different occasions. One memorable domestic dispute occurred when The Ed and his date were filling their plates at a buffet. She made the mistake of putting baked beans too close to his meatloaf, and all hell broke loose.

There’s no telling what The Ed will do next. Remember to listen to his radio show and visit the Super Deluxe Web Site for the latest updates. And don’t forget to listen to him each week on Dave Dameshek’s podcast as well as on his YouTube Fan Page. Tell your friends.

Don’t let no one talk bad about you.

(credit to http://www.theedssuperdeluxewebsite.com for The Ed's biography)